How to build trust and influence people?
Our intuition
Often we have the feeling that someone should not be trusted. This little voice will also signal any threat or danger it senses.
Where does our intuition get its information from?
In a conversation, while you are conscious of the words exchanged, many other things get picked at the non-conscious level like body language and voice tone. Your unconscious mind will analyze it and if it does not match your body language and voice tone, the other person will lose credibility in your eyes.
To be able to influence people, you need a high degree of rapport, and this can be done by matching, pacing and leading.
Matching
The purpose of matching is to make the person feel that you are similar to him, and that you can be trusted.
-
Voice tone. “ Hi, How are you” said the girl at the grocery shop, with a monotone voice. From her voice tone, you would think that the girl was not genuinely interested about how the customer felt. So the voice tone has a significant impact on the credibility of what is said. If you are in a situation where you have doubts, clear up these doubts before talking because it might be reflected in your voice tone. Use the appropriate voice tone, if it is about convincing someone , be confident and passionate, and it will be reflected in your voice tone. You need to match the other person’s voice tone, if he is using an upset tone, do the same, do not use a hush tone, it will be mismatching.
-
Body movements. It is important to mirror the body movements and posture of the other person. If the person leans back, do the same thing. Do not make it obvious that you are copying him though. Learn to make it subtle and allow some time before mirroring. .
Pacing
Pacing is about detecting the other person’s belief and mirror it. Sue Knight , in her book “ NLP at work” , gives us tips on how to find someone’s value.
-
You have to watch to what they pay attention. If you are negotiating a deal, observe what the other party tend to put emphasis on. If it is not clear, ask questions. Once you find out their beliefs, mirror it by showing your understanding and your willingness to find a solution
-
Be very observant. Notice all changes in the person, even the smallest, whether it is facial expression, movements or voice tone. These changes might indicate that the person has changed some of his beliefs and values
-
Do not forget to match their posture.
The key in pacing is try to find out what the problem really is. Ask questions to clear any doubts. Never dismiss a problem by imposing a solution, for example by saying “don’t worry, it will be fine”. The unconscious mind will see it as a lack of comprehension from other party.
Once you have built a significant level of rapport, you can now lead the person to a win/win solution.
Here is a great example of pacing and leading from the book “Develop your NLP skills” by Andrew Bradbury:
Say a customer is very angry, and starts to shout. A bad choice is trying to keep calm and talk to her in a respectful, hushed tone and trying to quieten her down. This means you are completely mismatching the customer’s voice and body language. You should match the tone, and slowly lead her down to a state in which you can work together to resolve this grievance.
